Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
