got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
