I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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