I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
