You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
