Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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