i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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