you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
