i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
