He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Found the puke drawer
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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