got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
