I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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