me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
