I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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