he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
