I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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