The maid of honor just puked.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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