??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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