Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
