I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I currently don't understand fingers.
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