News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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