I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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