omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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