I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize