Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
