Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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