Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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