either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
