Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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