Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
