White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
