dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is Oprah even human
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
