Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
