I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
