I can tuck mytits in my pants
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
