Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
They have beer where we have blood.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
