Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
