she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
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Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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