She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
