Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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