My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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