I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I checked into jail on foursquare
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
