thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
