We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
