and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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