My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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