I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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