Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
there's paper in my vomit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
