my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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