I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
