I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't deserve a penis
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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