I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
