We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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