I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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