Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
