i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
