I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
