You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
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we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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