So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
