Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
