found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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